And now the best Antivirus software of 2012 is….

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AntivirusThis article is not for the faint hearted and the easily offended. Please scroll to the end to read the disclaimer. I took special care to write one using font size three because I think anything larger would be grossly appropriate (sic).

Now before the flame war begins I should state three reasons why you should listen to me:

  • I have worked with the Post Office for the past 34 years and you know how many post modern technologies we invest in. Using antivirus software is a matter of course to us- what with all the mail we handle everyday we would not want anyone to get a virus by mistake. In fact as far as I know we have prevented and preempted all attacks. Incidentally that explains the reason why it takes so long to deliver mail from one suburb to another even if both the suburbs are in Harare. Gotta scan the lot for anthrax!
  • I happen to know which antivirus Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez use on their OS/2 machines. Why, Symantec Endpoint Protection of course? The stuff still comes on tapes. This adds an additional security measure to the system since you can always tell when one of them nasty viruses is making an unsolicited write onto the tape by listening for the very distinct quacking sound that they make when one tries to access them. Anyway it is an easy way to thwart your enemies since they probably won’t find any 7 1/2 inch floppy to stick in your drive to steal your data.
  • I know what a DWORD is and you don’t.

Now that we have established the pecking order (with me at the top of course) we can get all that awkwardness out of the way. We can continue with the awards ceremony. The best antivirus software of 2012 is … What?! Those of you at the back of the IT crowd shouting Norton risk being thrown out of this event. Bouncers please take note of anyone making such insulting claims in the comments section. It is with much gladness that I tell you that Norton failed to even get a nomination if only for the fact the jumbo creation could not transverse my virus infested 8GB disk. I finally gave up after an entire 2 hours. The simple fact of the matter is that this monstrosity consumes more resources than any DDoS bot will ever dare.

Since we are talking of antivirus software we have decided to exclude Eset’s Nod32 virus. The engine cannot be reliably trusted to remove viruses from any already infested machine I have made it my business to recommend it to all my enemies and my aunts. The latter should know better than to ignore my birthday. Personally I can never understand why all those hackers can spent so much time coding malware when the threatsense engine can still hack away your email box with as much efficiency. You don’t even need to hire a social engineer to create any of those strange love letters that people have to send to seven other people if they are to evade certain death. Overall assessment Eset is a decent antivirus if you are lean on resources but do not expect perfection. Sometimes the software seems to struggle with viruses that are already on the PC.

With its colorful main window, Panda Internet Security 2013 definitely stands out. This is definitely a plus if you are a fashion conscious girl – this is the only antivirus that will match with your nails and lipstick!! It includes a wide range of features beyond the basics that make up a suite. The problem is that when it comes to those basics, its performance is just average.

Now for the Frodo of antiviruses. The hermit of the all. Webroot SecureAnywhere AntiVirus 2013 is ridiculously small package; under a megabyte. Some independent lab tests aren’t compatible with its unique detection method, but it took top scores in PCMag’s tests. It remains the PCMag’s Editors’ Choice for antivirus protection. Imagine if your guard dog was the size of a cat. One bark would most certainly scare all the burglars away! You can get a chihuahua and save up on pet food.

Ok time for the award now. Are you kidding me? Who said AVG? I want them whipped, hanged and quartered. They are asking for it. Now where was I eerrrerr… the best antivirus for 2012 is, yes, Avira!! the runner up is Avast!!  There is a problem with the first one though; Avira Antivirus Premium 2013 offers slightly better protection than the company’s free antivirus, and it comes with full-scale tech support. However, the incremental benefits of choosing the premium edition over the free edition just don’t merit the product’s cost. There you have it folks it comes free of cost and that makes me sad; very sad indeed. Why? It takes away all the thrill of having to download the crack as a torrent and patch it. Some companies just want to take the fun out of computing. Nxa!!

These are the results fellas. And because I am a fair minded and balanced person, being democratic and all. I am giving you all the opportunity to take part in the Peoples Choice awards. Click here to complete the survey. The results will be published with the indulgence of Techzim. Just so you know my current decision stands. I will not accept any other result. The people at PCMag agree with me, I made sure of it.

Disclaimer: Some of the facts and events above were made up! But you already knew that didn’t you?

P.S. Please do take part in the survey. It’s real.

This guest post is by Garikai Dzoma. Though professionally an accountant, Garikai is an avid Linux geek who started using Ubuntu Linux in 2007 and is an active member of the Zimbabwe Ubuntu LoCo team.

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  • Nerudo

    Cant remember when last I had an Antivirus on my machine, I also dont miss my machine going slow since I use Windows Defender

  • http://www.facebook.com/shepherd.nhongo Shepherd Nhongo

    :-)show me a liar & i will show you a thief…

  • tinm@n

    Correction

    In your survey, you group Django with CMS’s

    It isnt a CMS but a framework

    For browsers, Chromium and Chrome are also intertwined

  • http://www.facebook.com/smukozho Shephard Mukozho

    And you can say that about Eset…..

  • http://twitter.com/cmutambo Clinton D. Mutambo

    Totally enjoyed this Garikai. Farewell to Eset…

  • ic0n1c

    I have resorted to using Microsoft Essentials for my laptop at home… and can’t really complain coz it quickly detects those trojans that are carried around on flash drives… Sad about Eset though coz that is the antivirus my company is using right now

  • Gus Fring

    Bitdefender are the creator of World’s Best 2012 Antivirus Software…lol

  • http://twitter.com/pardonbrainy Pardon Gatsi

    bitdifender is not for me i most use 2 av nob 32 and kaspersky and kaspersky is the best anyway since we are doing the top of 2012 here is my 25 Worst Passwords of the Year 2012 are… http://techunzipped.co.zw/?p=742

  • bhinikwa

    Only people who are experienced in IT support dealing with lots of infecteacjines shld respond not a mere user whos just satisfied witj asingle product

  • bhinikwa

    My answer is AVG 2012 INTERNET SECURITY

  • fiend

    you are a genius, isnt it? No need for an antivirus

  • Doogle268

    Thanks Garikai, well written! Though as a Linux buff, I was certain you were going to advocate it as the best antivirus!

    I was wonder why MSE didn’t get a look in? I use avast! mainly because I like to be hands on with my software and it has lots of features which invite you to go deeper into the protection of your PC, but I find that it is a bit too much for end users and their annoying registration policy is also a bit of a minus. For the average end-user, I would opt for MSE.

    I’m about to take the survey!

  • Duduzani Ngwenya

    Oh pliz Garikai, ofcourse Eset is not the King of the Jungle but man, Avira?? Are you serious?? like seriously Avira dude?? And Avast on the second best, dude I think you should stick to accounting before you do more harm than good to the I.T industry! And for the record…. I know what a DWORD is!

  • Garikai Dzoma

    I am sorry if I offended you (actually I am glad I did!). But you will have to note two things: a) This is a satirical article where I expressed my opinion. b) You can take part in the survey where you can vote for your choice for antivirus of the year. The link is given in the article.

  • Garikai Dzoma

    Sorry about Django. I use mine with a python plugin CMS so I think I was a bit confused here. Chromium is different from Chrome on at least three counts:
    a) Chromium is an open source project Chrome is closed source
    b) If you double click a word in Chrome you can view its meaning and listen to its pronunciation.
    c) Chrome comes bundled with its own version of Adobe flash. This is important since Adobe Flash 12 is not going to come with a Linux version.

  • tinm@n

    Chrome is based off Chromium. True that it is closed source. But they share a greater part of the same code base.

  • Ginger

    Really? based on what?

  • http://www.facebook.com/emmanuel.makaza Emmanuel Makaza

    ha ha ha ha, enjoyed it. its fair guys I think I agree with you especially avira, I have used it and still remains my favourite. I have used eset but I think I deserves the run up instead of avasti. I know as an accountant and being male you where thrilled by that female voice “attention a virus has been detected ” kikikikiki

  • Garikai Dzoma

    Wat can I say u got me!!!

  • Garikai Dzoma

    OK! I know you are angry tht your software did nt make it onto the list. Its natural; there are five stages of grief (at least that’s what they say) denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I can see u r still on the 2nd stage; u will come arnd and when you do please take part in the survey.

  • http://www.slick.co.zw Richard Chinyenze

    if you got an OG O.S; i recommend M.S.E its very good!!! but if you have a bootleg version of windows and don’t want to do Microsoft updates, then yes to Avira!!!

  • http://twitter.com/KuraiMGT KuraiMGT

    Voting my Eset end user protection, kikikik

  • Kaygee

    have never used any other anti-virus since I got microsoft security essentials in January 2011, had totally forgoten that there are viruses. Its light, ‘native’ to windows, efficient. When I was using all the others, I used to format my PC regulary. Microsoft security essentials deserved a special mentioning

  • Muse

    You are using a full touchscreen keyboard to type, aren’t you?

  • Meya

    chokwadi ichocho

  • Meya

    Great article Mr. Dzoma, you have stood up for the greater accountant fraternity. I remember back in college a guy coming to me saying they were selling their laptop because it had crashed, but on looking at it i realised they had accidentally switched on high contrast black and white screen settings for the visually impaired, (altho I walked away with a cool hundred for fixing ‘the crash!’)

    Back to business: I am rooting for my MSSE. Its been the best experience, well, ever since i went legitimate and threw out that ‘patch Genuinised’ copy of Windows. And now that IT people forced Kaspersky on the business laptops – im stuck with it, and beginning to like it though.

  • nodist

    eset smart security is better,avira the free one lets in some viruses which eset later on detects if you uninstall avira.

  • Susan

    Good post and I enjoyed reading it. I am making use of
    Immunet antivirus for my PC. It is highly efficient and has lent great peace of
    mind. I happy with the antivirus software.

  • Mai Katayama

    Have you ever heard of Unthreat Antivirus? It’s one of the less known ones and I’ve been using it for a while but I was wondering what an expert may think!

  • Susi

    I used Norton antivirus, but honestly I had time with it. Slow pace is the issue which
    was encountered not just by me, but with my friend as well. Being a professional who continuously have to get glued to the internet to find stuff, it had became impossible to work on computer that crawls. Consequently, both of tries Immunet, the antivirus is amazing and I love it.

  • dnmw

    Best antivirus is Bidefender Total Security 2013
    http://www.dnmw.net/bitdefender-total-security-2013-free-download/