This article is not for the faint hearted and the easily offended. Please scroll to the end to read the disclaimer. I took special care to write one using font size three because I think anything larger would be grossly appropriate (sic).
Now before the flame war begins I should state three reasons why you should listen to me:
- I have worked with the Post Office for the past 34 years and you know how many post modern technologies we invest in. Using antivirus software is a matter of course to us- what with all the mail we handle everyday we would not want anyone to get a virus by mistake. In fact as far as I know we have prevented and preempted all attacks. Incidentally that explains the reason why it takes so long to deliver mail from one suburb to another even if both the suburbs are in Harare. Gotta scan the lot for anthrax!
- I happen to know which antivirus Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez use on their OS/2 machines. Why, Symantec Endpoint Protection of course? The stuff still comes on tapes. This adds an additional security measure to the system since you can always tell when one of them nasty viruses is making an unsolicited write onto the tape by listening for the very distinct quacking sound that they make when one tries to access them. Anyway it is an easy way to thwart your enemies since they probably won’t find any 7 1/2 inch floppy to stick in your drive to steal your data.
- I know what a DWORD is and you don’t.
Now that we have established the pecking order (with me at the top of course) we can get all that awkwardness out of the way. We can continue with the awards ceremony. The best antivirus software of 2012 is … What?! Those of you at the back of the IT crowd shouting Norton risk being thrown out of this event. Bouncers please take note of anyone making such insulting claims in the comments section. It is with much gladness that I tell you that Norton failed to even get a nomination if only for the fact the jumbo creation could not transverse my virus infested 8GB disk. I finally gave up after an entire 2 hours. The simple fact of the matter is that this monstrosity consumes more resources than any DDoS bot will ever dare.
Since we are talking of antivirus software we have decided to exclude Eset’s Nod32 virus. The engine cannot be reliably trusted to remove viruses from any already infested machine I have made it my business to recommend it to all my enemies and my aunts. The latter should know better than to ignore my birthday. Personally I can never understand why all those hackers can spent so much time coding malware when the threatsense engine can still hack away your email box with as much efficiency. You don’t even need to hire a social engineer to create any of those strange love letters that people have to send to seven other people if they are to evade certain death. Overall assessment Eset is a decent antivirus if you are lean on resources but do not expect perfection. Sometimes the software seems to struggle with viruses that are already on the PC.
With its colorful main window, Panda Internet Security 2013 definitely stands out. This is definitely a plus if you are a fashion conscious girl – this is the only antivirus that will match with your nails and lipstick!! It includes a wide range of features beyond the basics that make up a suite. The problem is that when it comes to those basics, its performance is just average.
Now for the Frodo of antiviruses. The hermit of the all. Webroot SecureAnywhere AntiVirus 2013 is ridiculously small package; under a megabyte. Some independent lab tests aren’t compatible with its unique detection method, but it took top scores in PCMag’s tests. It remains the PCMag’s Editors’ Choice for antivirus protection. Imagine if your guard dog was the size of a cat. One bark would most certainly scare all the burglars away! You can get a chihuahua and save up on pet food.
Ok time for the award now. Are you kidding me? Who said AVG? I want them whipped, hanged and quartered. They are asking for it. Now where was I eerrrerr… the best antivirus for 2012 is, yes, Avira!! the runner up is Avast!! There is a problem with the first one though; Avira Antivirus Premium 2013 offers slightly better protection than the company’s free antivirus, and it comes with full-scale tech support. However, the incremental benefits of choosing the premium edition over the free edition just don’t merit the product’s cost. There you have it folks it comes free of cost and that makes me sad; very sad indeed. Why? It takes away all the thrill of having to download the crack as a torrent and patch it. Some companies just want to take the fun out of computing. Nxa!!
These are the results fellas. And because I am a fair minded and balanced person, being democratic and all. I am giving you all the opportunity to take part in the Peoples Choice awards. Click here to complete the survey. The results will be published with the indulgence of Techzim. Just so you know my current decision stands. I will not accept any other result. The people at PCMag agree with me, I made sure of it.
Disclaimer: Some of the facts and events above were made up! But you already knew that didn’t you?
P.S. Please do take part in the survey. It’s real.
This guest post is by Garikai Dzoma. Though professionally an accountant, Garikai is an avid Linux geek who started using Ubuntu Linux in 2007 and is an active member of the Zimbabwe Ubuntu LoCo team.