Of Lists, Cows and Masturbation…

Cows, bulls, dung

The initial title of my article was meant to be “We’re All Just A Bunch Of Wankers”. Absurd right?


I know.

However, I’m one to take offence for being labelled based on the actions of others and so I opted to title my article something tamer but still go with the same thought process.



Every year, throughout the year, we see some outrageous list or awards being dished out, either for someone being “the most infuential“, “the richest”, “most promising”, heck it even goes to such petty levels as “loudest farter” if you care to listen enough.

We’ve become infatuated with seeing who is ‘bigger’, ‘better’, ‘faster’, ‘smarter’, even ‘more corrupt‘. Very little effort is given to getting stuff down while we gloat about meaningless things. I mean, how many that have appeared on these so-called lists can walk up to their bank managers and say “ko, mkoma, check, I’m the most influential person in Zimbabwe, saka just add a couple of hundreds of thousands to my account for good measure?!?”

Didn’t think so either.

We’re too fixated on the unimportant.

Our country is in a state and needs us to step up to the plate, instead of always passing the blame onto politicians, and we need to get shit done!

I digress.

Essentially these lists are a pacifier of sorts that make us believe that we are achieving stuff as a nation and so we can celebrate mediocrity.

When the solutions for bank queues, forex in our accounts, better transport and/or accommodation has been found then we can take our hands off the plough and recognise those who have been contributing to the betterment of our nation.


These animal are known to produce a number of products, from milk to leather, even to the famous Mazondo from ‘Mai George’ at Mereki!

But one of the products that they produce that’s vital to the growth of others is ‘bull shit’! Well, you may call it cow-dung, but it’s one and the same thing.

The cows in my analogy here are those who create these lists. Grown men (fingers are crossed that there aren’t any women involved) take time to sit down and craft this BS. I’m yet to establish the motive but loosely I can assume that it’s being driven by the need for clicks, views and impressions.

Other than that it boggles my mind as to why someone will take time to recognise people who haven’t done much. They may have achieved ‘a little’ but nothing for us to celebrate as a nation.

It’s just a distraction to keep us from doing and really making an impact not only locally but internationally as well.


Yeah, I went there.

The act of masturbation is one setting out to pleasure themselves through self-indulgence. It’s basically you ‘throwing a party for one’. Not giving a care in the world for others just focusing on what makes you happy.

I am of the opinion that those who willingly set out to make it to these lists are doing nothing but masturbating. There is enough work that needs to be done and we’d rather focus our energies towards productivity.

My people to those (yes, we see you) who are on just about every list to let it get to your head, this is just the noise from the crowds, keep doing what you’re doing and focus. You will get your just and due recognition at the finish line, but one thing I can assure you is that we’re just getting out of the blocks and have a distance to go.

I’m here in the comments if you see this different, else, let’s get back to work!

16 thoughts on “Of Lists, Cows and Masturbation…

  1. Haya, lists and awards a way to celebrate our successes in society

    Of course some just dish them out without any criteria

    Techzim is doing a zimeye on us today

  2. I totally agree (maybe nit with the language). There is this crazy fascination with attribution at the expense of contribution. What do you know? No one is left to contribute to anything because everyone is licking boots of the list makers

  3. A little bit of the old bottle there buddy? I understand, Zimbabwe is heart wrenching for all of us, just try to focus during daytime.

  4. You could have still put your point across without the cows & Co. But i guess thats how it works these days to get noticed.

  5. Article in riddles. You can draw different meanings from it (no under 18 though). You would think the Writer is suffering from made cow disease :), the anger, rage, but still its interesting.

    1. I didn’t set out to make it a riddle, sad to note that that’s how it came out for you.

      Yes, the tone may have been NSFW but I felt that it was something that should have been said without a toned down approach.

  6. So we should not recognise progress. We should not celebrate the little victories that we achieve however small they maybe? I disagree. Challenges are there in Zim, but that should not stop us from celebrating the little wins we achieve, as individuals, as a society or as a nation. It is the little jackals that spoil the harvest, I also believe there are the little things in life that make the biggest difference.

  7. This article explains all for those open minded, its good, its talking about taking the nation forward other that these lists yearly for personal interest

  8. Well put Tinashe, let’s give credit where it deserves and call a spade a spade. This tendency of hero worshipping is a cancer haunting us Zimbabweans across the political, religious and even social devide. It usually has bad consequences which you have well documented. Another cancer bedeviling us is donor/dependence syndrome, mweya wekungoda kupihwa nxaaa, work!

    1. Victories and successes should be celebrated, though myriad of challenges. This is what gives the motive and zeal to keep on excelling and achieving….

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